Vampires Like it Hot - Lynsay Sands

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, this series was actually funny. Now it seems to rely on making a character out and out stewpid for laughs. I skimmed over it when I first got it, and have spent the last day or so (while reading it) mentally ranting.

 

So let's see...our heroine (spineless professional student who can't seem to tell people NO up until near the end) is in Punta Cana for a "destination wedding" (code speak for bridezilla not being too terribly concerned at how bloody inconvenient it is for a bunch of college students to just pull $$$$ out of their arses for airfare, lodging, and of course passports just to sit there and "ahhh" for a 15 minute ceremony that probably will end in divorce). She's suckered by the bride to be to keep up with said bride's sister who, judging from everything said, apparently spent her childhood alone while her dad threw money at her to shut her up. Said sister catches the eye of (cough) vampirates. Heroine, taking her responsibility a bit too seriously (really, the girl is an adult. Let her go) runs after her and catches the eye of the captain.

 

Captain caveman seems to live in a timewarp where it's apparently acceptable to override a potential lifemate's objections by kissing her senseless. He and heroine keep getting interrupted by the babysittee who flogs the heroine instead of the jackass. He gives up briefly and drags her off. Heroine takes advantage and bails through the porthole.

 

Enter the "dashing" Raffaele who complains about as much as the babysittee (so maybe he should have been paired with her instead.). Honestly, I knew about as much about him at the end of the book as the beginning. he's 2 millennia old, has been a teacher, and a pianist, and is now an architect. That's pretty much all we ever know about him. Why? Because the entire book was focussed on the heroine's drama (at least some of which she brought on herself).

 

So he rescues her. She's so exhausted she faints, has noodle legs, etc. Yet somehow she marches to the main building lobby to report her cousin being missing, takes off again for her room intending to wait on said cousin, still manages to go eat. Where does she get the energy? Oh, gets better because...she gets another room key, goes back to her room where she finds all *her* stuff is missing, and only manages to stop darting off in 40 directions like a hyperactive toddler after the H's cousin puts the notion to sleep into her head. Frankly she exhausted ME.

 

So the next morning, she wakes up after one of those lifemate dreams and... sneaks out of their suite (which I call BS here - how is it all their super senses don't pick up a blundering twit waltzing her way around in their suite). She then proceeds to go upstairs to her room - the one Captain Caveman has already moved her out of - and starts to take a shower. Of course he finds her. This is all a set-up for the "laugh" scene where she's dangling 4 stories up in nothing but a pair of well-worn bikini bottoms. The H finally wakes up where he's been napping in the chair beside the sofa-bed she'd previously occupied (really, he was right beside her and slept through her getting up, grabbing her room key, and leaving) and manages to rescue her from herself. Should have let her fall.

 

More stewpidity - they don't know any better than she does on how to get out of the country with no passport. After all, it isn't an issue with them. So rather than calling the front desk, reporting the theft, and finding out where to get aid, they just locate the main embassy. They have yet to tell her that they're "vampires" too (really, the harping on the distinction is getting old). She finds out inadvertently because once again, supersenses don't hear things like a knock at the door, someone wheeling in a fridge, and carrying on a conversation that shouldn't happen 4 feet away from a snoring vampire. She bolts. Of course she does. She just...takes off straight to the embassy where...they tell her she needs an appointment. And since she's once again on her own even though Captain Caveman is trying to get her in his clutches and she should know better than to take off like that (idiot), she ends up in a taxi with two of his friends who take her to his boat.

 

H and co are hot on their tail of course. So when she finally manages to learn the word "no" (gosh. I'm so proud of her), and Captain Caveman finally figures out he has competition, which he takes off to fetch, it's not too long before we get to read the most drawn out info dump in the history of this series.

 

Epilogue - She's invited captain caveman to the wedding to introduce him to Marguerite so she can find him his very own lifemate. Well... I guess that's a really good thing seeing as how often a spare lifemate leads to tragedy.